my childhood and a temple

I still remember during my childhood days when my ah ma was still around. She would take my little sis and me to this temple near where i live very frequently. She's a really devoted taoist. I remember how everytime she would pray for our good health and good academic results while all I cared was the free sweets and stationery that we can get from the temple. (the temple i visit used to give sweets and stationery to kids as some form of lucky objects)
Obviously they don't give these out for free, you need to make a donation and my ah ma is never stingy when it comes to making such donations.

I never really like going to a temple because it's always hot, stuffy and filled with smoke from the incense; it has never failed to make me sweat and tear even up till today. Nevertheless, I still went upon the instruction of my ah ma.

Despite the numerous visits I made to that same temple, i still have no idea about the correct sequence i have to pray to the huge variety of deities in the temple.

Today, I had the chance to pay that temple a visit again. It's the year of the pig and there's something about those born in the year of the pig needing to pray to this deity called "tai sui ye". Yes, i sweated and teared again.. so did my mum.... I guess there's no way one can ever get used to the amount of smoke inside.

The visit gave me mixed feelings: My parents know that I see myself as a free-thinker but they still decided that I should go pray. Frankly, I do not mind going but I seriously feel i do not deserve the blessings of the deities since I have zero knowledge about the customs and beliefs and more importantly, I do not observe any of the practices. I do respect the religion but I somehow cannot get myself to put in my commmitment which is the main reason why i decided that i should just become a free-thinker.

And so today I went; i went thru all the rituals but this time round, I did not ask for any blessings; i feel i do not deserve it. It was purely an act of respect to the religion that my family believes in.

Perhaps I am too practical; i believe in ancestral worship not because I believe that they will offer some kind of spiritual protection but more of it being an activity that allows me to remember who they were and the times we spent together.

I hope my parents are not too disappointed in me.